Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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