So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
