why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
