I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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