I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
