The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
FUCK WHALES
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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