I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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