My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
