they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
