Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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