someone threw a dead crab at me
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
pray to the hookup gods
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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