Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize