just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
