She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
