She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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