you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
