i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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