Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
