also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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