so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
