My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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