If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
