six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
