I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
