I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
