Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
