Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
