Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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