mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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