Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
