Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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