My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
