we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
