that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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