I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
