She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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