oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
