I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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