My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
