Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize