too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
