Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Can Purell be used as lube?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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