uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Sorry about my life...
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