I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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