she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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