I need to stop coming to work sober
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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