I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
