this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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