he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just pee around me
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
