I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
